her song didn't have a chorus

Her life had been good to her, but she didn't notice it underneath her feelings. She was in a new environment, everyone around her was new to her, she wasn't good at learning fast. She needed time to adapt to the situation but it was moving out of her grip. For months she felt like nothing was going right, that she wouldn't pass anything or that she might even quit the school for this. 

She knew herself to a fool, she knew she'd do anything to keep herself in that school. She had nothing else anymore, if the school ended, she would be jobless and uneducated and her mother wouldn't accept that. She knew she had no choice but that still wasn't enough to push her into trusting the school. 

She wasn't there every day, she felt queasy there, like everyone around her was there to judge her. Everyone in her eyes thought of how bad of a student she was, how overweight and unattractive she looked. In her eyes all the other eyes were on her, and never in a good way. The only way she had to escape it was when she stood in the rain, inhaling dark and tasteless smoke in her lungs. Somehow it calmed her enough to make friends, no, not friends.. They weren't friends, they never spoke to her after school, never asked if she was okay or if she was having problems when she held the tears. No, nor would she ask them to, no they were just associates. She knew them a little, talked them, acted as if they were a group, but she never actually was accepted into that group. She wasn't metal enough to fit the rockers, she wasn't hipster enough for the hipsters.. you get the drift..

It went on and she skipped more and more school, somehow still passing her courses anyway, every single one of them. She even managed some great grades, but it didn't fill the gauge in her chest. She was so lonely, but she didn't want to speak to anyone. They all seemed so foreign and perfect compared to her. She was nothing compared to them.

Time passed and now she had to put effor into it, she had let it slip from her hands and now she couldn't control the skipping of school anymore. She was more at home than at school, but there was no helping it she felt like collapsing when she went there. She played it cool but inside her mind she went:

When everyone is looking at me, I look away. When they speak to me I force myself into an answer with a smile. I have done it before, I can still do it. I am a pioneer at faking smiles, I can get through this. I am protected by the smile. Home is the place for crying. If I break here I can never come back after that humiliation. I'm bad at physics, I'm bad at biology I'm less bad in English and I can write texts and improvise, why can't I succeed then. Why can't I learn to be good, why don't I try enough.

She had times when she just sat in her hard metallic school chair and stared at nothing. She was biting her teeth together so that her jaw squeaked, and she knew it wasn't a good sign. But she could t stop, if she'd let go, she'd cry. She didn't want that.

There was people in her life, a lot of good people she wanted to ignore and let them be. But for some reason they kept coming back to her, it made her hurt. She loved it, nothing felt so scary in her insides so anything she felt was an experience. She loved all of them but she felt like she was bothering them with anything she did. No matter if it was by breathing, or by tweeting them, still she felt guilty.

She had trusted all of herself to these people, and they to her. She just didn't want to disappoint them with her being nothing. She wanted to be good and succeed, but she couldn't. She wasn't a person to automatically succeed, and she knew that.

It just felt like it was all her fault, what? Everything, there was nothing that she didn't feel responsible of. If her friend got fever, it was her fault, her friend skipped school - her fault..

She wasn't a good schoolgirl, but she tried her best at being a good everything.

The Wonderer

my story starts with

There once was a silly young girl. She wasn't important, she wasn't beautiful, she wasn't fit she wasn't rich or popular but she cared. About everything that no one else would and all that everyone else already did. She cared.

Of course no one saw that, they all saw what she was on the face and body to be seen.

She had always been bigger than others, stronger and not willing to by other people's stupid crap. She was an independent soul and had always been.

In the sixteen years of her life she had seen all sorts of misery in her life. She almost felt like something was drawing her to bad things.
She felt like maybe she had deserved all she had gotten for she had never properly believed in god or bowed to other people's wishes. Maybe all the pain she had gone through was a punishment meant just for her.

She had that little thought spinning in her head every waking and slept moment but she had hope. For she was a dreamer from the heart, she always believed that one day someone would take off all her misery.
Of course she knew it wouldn't happen soon, maybe ever but she wanted to believe. She did believe. Every time she sighed at lovers in town or when she watched a good romantic movie and cried, she cried for the fact someone might be that person for her, not tomorrow, not next week, not even next year but maybe some day.

She wasn't a love story kind of a girl from the outside, she was very introverted and shy and she indeed was strange, some might even say she was odd but she'd rather call herself strange.

She didn't want to be like everyone else.. She did sometimes but she didn't want to admit it to herself so she let her thoughts wonder so she wouldn't envy people's looks. So she just kept wearing strange clothes and dyeing her hair and using makeup differently.

All she wanted was a mended heart and a new canvas to work with. She had been mocked for being overweight so far she could remember and from the age of eleven she could've given anything to have a normal skinny and beautiful body.

She had gone through a lot and lately they have been pushing it. She had gotten out of the horrible nine years of comprehensive school and had gotten into a nice new school onto the line she wanted. Art was sort of her thing.

But as she got out of school, people around her thought she might be a good sport now to share her suppressed feelings. She had only gone to two interviews with those psychiatric nurses but she hated them already. She had been through a lot but that didn't mean she wanted to tell strangers how she felt!

No, it meant she didn't want anyone to push those drawers, nobody to touch those private files of her that she had locked away inside her broken heart.

With every asked question her heart shattered from the memories she herself didn't want to live ever again. All she could think was that maybe one day they'd be gone and she would have someone by her side.